WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

OK ladies, I'm going random here. I haven't posted much because it seems like every time I sit down at the keyboard, my brain goes blank. This is not much of a task these days, as I think my mind has gone on vacation and I'm having a hard time getting it to come home. I wish it would at least send a post card to keep me in-the-know of what it's doing and where it's been. My thoughts - whatever is left of them - continue to wander toward where I am in life right now and what I'm doing WITH my life for the good of all. This is no religious rant, I'm thinking about when I was in school and I had this constant tug on my whole-self to be someone who could and would make a difference. Often times I'd sit in my elementary classes and envision myself receiving awards for making the world a better place. I'd space out, staring out the window at the world, from my little particle board, laminated desk and think - some day I'll be out there and people will be thankful I was born. Sound a little like Lex Luthor? OK, to clarify, I really mean that people would be THANKFUL that I was born because I made a difference in their lives - Not that people would cower in fear and bow to me as I take over the world!

So, as most narcissistic school children begin to realize, I, too, came to the conclusion that I am not alone - that there are tons of people with the paralyzing onus to DO SOMETHING. I say paralyzing because, although we have this urge - this obligation - it feels like a piano on our backs. Struggling to search and find the perfect way to not only affect lives in a positive way, but also to collect the means to do so - because it HAS to be big, right?

So, I - like many women - am frozen with the fear of being good. As Nelson Mandella said(loosely): We are not afraid to fail. We are afraid to SUCCEED! We are afraid of the power within us to take charge and be role models and lead people in a positive way.

I see this hesitation in so many of the women I know - including myself. I see myself as, mainly, a failure (again, as many women feel) because I haven't conquered the mountain. I haven't been publicly noticed and recognized. I haven't reached the highest heights of my career potential - shit, I'm just STARTING mine this August! - I haven't got a huge fancy house and two beamers in the garage and that perfectly landscaped yard and vacations on the Riviera :-) and so on - those measures of success that we are brainwashed from birth to treasure. But wait.

I am on the mountain. WE are on the mountain.

Problem is, there's too much crap in the way - we can't see the summit. But it's there. And, again, it's not HEAVEN or nirvana (hmmm. that sounds good though. . .). It's kind of like that self-actualization that Maslow boasts as the key to happiness in life.

We are such a macro-minded society - driven by media ideals and unrealistic expectations that only a small few actually want. Oh so briefly to touch on the supermodel body and the Better Homes and Gardens award winning homes - WHY? why do we need this? Is there some sort of spiritual sereness that comes with a pottery barn house and a fully decked out "Outdoor living space?" I won't go further. . .to do so would be cliche and no one wants to really go down that road.

As I continue to open my eyes, I see that the women of the world do tend to carry the burdens of the world. I'm not diminishing or minimizing the efforts of the men - don't get me wrong - they are equally as important (especially in helping out with one of those worldly burdens:-) ) - but think of what we do and who we have to consider.

We are born princesses - dressed in lace and pink. Then we discover mud, and bugs and flowers and birds and bunnies and so on. We are already born with the burden to, eventually, lead this world. Isn't that what a princess is? An heir to the throne? So from day one, we are instinctively drawn to be the perpetuators of our kind. We are given dolls to nurture, kitchens to cook at and clean, shovels to play in the dirt and plant sunflowers, and watering cans to help those seeds grow into mature plants. Some of us are lucky enough to have been given a soccer ball or a softball bat so we learn what it's like to be important to a team, but also how important it is to have determination and stamina and vigilance. And, although on the surface it may seem that we are being funnelled into a certain type of person - made into the domestic divas that we are supposedly intended to be - look closer. Women through the centures have been succeeding at multi-tasking as far back as the history books will take us (and then some!). We are only limited by our vision and if we WANT to be blockaded by this mind-set, then we are. But, if we are willing to step out of the shade and into the sun, we see that BECAUSE we are nurturing and giving and diligent and intelligent and sometimes vulnerable (because vulnerability is a strength of great power) that we are packed with the tools of leadership and affectiveness from the day we are born. We just need to take and apply this arsenal to the bigger picture.

We are all teachers - even if this isn't our actual chosen career - we are still teachers. We have children and those children have friends, who are children.

I want this world to be a good place to live in. I want to always be able to find somewhere to look out and see a never ending landscape - one NOT peppered with dry-cleaners, pizza places, Starbucks (sorry bucky. . .), gas stations and banks. I want the bees to have somewhere to live and make honey. I want to be able to walk around a corner and find a hidden waterfall that my children can play in without risk of disease. I want to be able to be outside and breathe fresh air. I want to be able to take my time and talk to people - thoughtfully - , but sometimes talk to no one and sit in peace. I NEED time to think and make decisions and not REACT.

I'm sick of DRAMA. We live in a time where "real" news is orchestrated and fake and FAKE news is REAL! (Thank you Stewart and Colbert!) How do we take in what's going on in the world around us, process that information and find a way to make things better - Shedding the skewed, narrowmindedness that faces us daily?

I want to be in a community - whether locally or globally - that respects each other for who they are and does not criticize for different belief systems or color differences or physical maladies, etc. I want people to be free to be what they choose - and set limits above and beyond the sky - without anyone ever telling them they just don't think it's possible. And there is so much more.
I'm tired of all the FEAR. Life is scary. Everything is scary. Getting out of bed is scary to some people. FINDING a place to sleep is scary for some people.

Yet, I have come to the conclusion that, so far, I am making a contribution and so are you. WE ARE making history - although our names may not be in any text book. That's not what it's about anyway, right?

Women wake up and face the fears of every day. Will there be food to feed my children (the world)? Will there be clothes (armor) for my children to wear? Will they be safe when they go outside (on the streets)? Will they be kind and respectful to the people they meet? (peaceful and accepting) Will they be helpful to others instead of selfish? (banding together for a simple, yet unified cause - contentment/pride/happiness/tolerance). Will they be independent, accept responsibility for themselves and carry on this legacy? (tough love :-) )

It is our job to educate our children in the lost art of creating and maintaining a COMMUNITY - and everything that fits into that. What is the measure of success? Not the superficial crap I listed above - it's about fulfillment. It's about the heart. A heart full of respect and love for others AND ourselves.

Last night, my brother's National Guard Battallion was officially deployed. There was a ceremony and most of our family attended it. My oldest daughter is 13 and is headed straight into the bullheaded, roller-coaster emotions of her teen years. She was invited to one of her best friend's birthday party. I gave her the choice - she could come with us to the ceremony or she could go to the party. She had already been to a couple of the events we planned for my brother, so I felt that she had met her familial obligations and I told her that. She could make her choice with no grief from me or anyone else. She struggled - of course - with her decision. But, then, it was if something deep insider her took hold and she looked at me and said, "Family first, mom - I can go to a birthday party any time - I don't know when (or if) I'll see uncle Tommy again."

I cried at the ceremony - partially because my brother is going to war and partially out of shear confusion. I don't understand this war and I don't believe in it. There is a thin, smelly veil of filth and deceit that is wrapped around it. I believe in fighting for values and for freedom and all the things our soldiers fight for. But I do not believe in this war.

Back to the what have I accomplished thinggy. This sense of compassion, caring, responsibility, our jobs/tasks/whatever they may be - as women.

Dev pondered her decision - which to an 8th grader is momentus - but only for a very short time. I was very proud of her - to choose her family - THIS was the moment that I realized I HAD accomplished something. I had done something worth recognition and praise and everything else we strive for as women - as parents. And even though it didn't come in the form of phone calls from the newspapers and visits from the press - it came from inside - and THAT is the most powerful kind of praise we can get.

Keep up the hard work, moms, sisters, aunties, grandmas. There are days when we wonder why - and what we're doing. Those days that we're up all night with sick kids. Those vacations we give up because our kids need something - whether it be surgery or consoling or travel soccer fees - and all those other moments that we question ourselves and come to the realization that it would be easier to be the President of the U.S. than to raise our kids - are rewarded by tiny little moments of RAW truth and validation -

Imagine if we banded together - and nurtured these tiny, yet largely impactful moments into ONE BIG change - the change we want to see in this fear ridden, cynnical and bitter world. This world CAN'T TOUCH US because we see the possibility in those little eyes that look up at us each and every day - looking for guidance and, ultimately, feeling like they, too, can change the world and make a FABULOUS impact!