Is it Better to Burn Out or Fade Away?

How do you know when to throw in the towel? When do you quit something, and just stop? I am thinking of stopping something that has a rather long tradition and history to it because it is just doing more damage than good....or is it? Each year I have a decent sized party, it takes plenty of work to get it off the ground, from the food, the the alcohol, to the house getting cleaned,shoveled,people not showing up,getting the house decorated, invitations and what not....and then there is the post party...the clean up, the garbage, the mess. I hate the week before the party. I bust my ass. I LOVE the actual party, I love being with my friends, I love the laughter and the energy, and it is the one time a year I see some of these folks, I would miss that.

The other thing is that the party is a benefit and always has been. Some people have been coming from year one, and they know what to bring. But it has been getting slimmer and slimmer and by the end of the night I am wondering if this project is going to fly.

This is all thrown in during the week of two birthdays in our house and Christmas. What the FUCK was I thinking?

This year the post party has caused a bit of tension in our house. I wasn't the happiest about the effort expended preparty and expected some post help. I decided that if I had to do it all pre and post, the party was done for. The last few nights have not been pretty.

I think the party is done for.
I cannot do all of this anymore, work and raise two kids. I am busted tired. My eyes are melting now and it is 9:45p.m. I am wondering if I have been doing anything well, or has everything been crap because I am wandering around in a zombie state. I am going through the motions of a crazed woman. Or am I crazed?

There are many sad elements to ending the party. The friends, the tradition and the benefit. If the party ends, so does the benefit. Is it time? Should good things end while they are still good or wait until they just fall apart? Maybe that is a metaphor for these last few nights.

I don't know. I don't know who is reading this who was here last weekend, but I am going to need some serious convincing that it is worth the breakdown in my physical and mental health and marriage.

Can't I just send Christmas cards to my friends and buy a homeless dude a sandwich and call it a day?

Video Killed the Radio Star

As my loyal readers know, we are a television free home. Well, we have a tv, but no incoming signal. We only will watch a movie. That means no mindless cartoons uses as a babysitter for my kids. No sitting on the couch after a long day's work, no news. It is a family experiment and we have reached the eight month mark, not bad. Our reasoning behind the experiment is to see the impact tv has on our children, us and if it is a neccesity, and so far we have come to the conclusion that it is not necessary in our household. It may be to others, but we're good without it. Do I miss tv? I only missed a few shows at the beginning, and now I don't care. I do however notice that I sit down even less now. I watch one or two movies a week and mainly on the weekends. So on a regular night after the kids are in bed, I still feel compelled to be "doing". In some aspects that is great, I do a lot. And in other ways it sucks because I have always been a person who has a hard time relaxing and just sitting...and now it is worse. I am always moving, always thinking and I wish that I could just stop. I am not even catholic and I feel GUILT, for sitting down to relax. It is not like I was raised in a work camp or experienced child labor, it is just me. I wish I could veg. How do I do it? What is the trick? Please let me in on it.

Back to the experiment. My son, who is six and a half told me recently that he doesn't care if he can't watch tv. I believe him. My daughter, almost 3, doesn't know too much of what she is missing. Between childcare and playdates and movies, they get plenty of media.

Here is a thought I have had also. Why do people feel that watching tv is really socially unacceptable? If you have a conversation with someone about tv, almost always the say, "oh, we don't watch much tv, only one or two shows a week". Why do people always take the defensive...like tv is bad. Someone out there is watching more than one show a week, why be ashamed? I have only met one woman that said openly that she was a tv junkie and that it was on all of the time. So what is the real deal with tv? If you watch it, is that wrong? Just admit it damn it....
I think we will make it to one year. The winter may be harder, because it is dark and less motivating, but I am sure I can occupy my evenings with some work or something.

Maybe I will learn how to relax, I don't know if it is even possible. Although we discarded tv input, we let the next worst thing creep into our lives....and how I am not thrilled is my next post....stay tuned.

Let's bury the icicle and scrape the windshield clean. . .

I've decided to give winter another chance. You see, we have quite a history together and we used to be friends. Here's how the story goes.

When I was very little, I hung out a lot with snow, ice and cold wind. They were kind of my buds, so to speak. Don't get me wrong, sun and warmth and beach were my best friends (don't get all freaked out my summer pals), but when they kicked back and went to the tropics for the winter, I needed someone to play with. And, honestly, I don't know if sun, warmth and beach were all that good of friends because they'd always take off around September and I wouldn't hear from them - maybe a warm day in February once in awhile - until May! And, sure, sun would hang around all year, but I don't think her heart was in it. She just didn't put a lot of effort into the friendship during that time. Anyway, they would just totally ditch me. I can't take it personally though, I have to accept them for who they are. And, they are still always really nice to me when they get back. Realistically, I could have gone to visit them any time I wanted, I just didn't have the money. They seemed to understand.

Anyway, when sun, warmth and beach took off, snow ice and cold wind showed up at my door. They knocked hard - they were so excited to see me! And I, them! We had so much to catch up on. I'd throw on my snowpants and hat and gloves and run outside and we'd play together - snowmen, snow angels, icicle spears. . .wait, not those. I never even thought about my toes and fingers being frozen to the bone - we were having too much fun! Life was good - always someone to play with regardless of the time of year. Sometimes they'd even leave me surprises - like, the nights I'd go to bed, looking out my window at brown trees and green grass and I'd wake up to trees coated with icy marshmallow goodness! What a gift!

I don't know what happened or when it happened. The competition was fierce. Sun, warmth and beach got kind of pissed and didn't want me to play with snow, ice and cold wind. Normally, I would have said WHATEVER, but just prior to that little conversation, ice and cold wind froze my fingers and toes something fierce. I just couldn't ignore it. I'm still paying for it to this day. They just didn't care - no remorse. I began to doubt their friendship. My mom didn't like them either, so I wasn't really allowed to play with them that often.

Then I went off to high school and college and I tried again. I went skiing a few times just so I could hang out with my old wintry friends. It was ok, but the magic was gone. We had a few laughs, but they also tried to push me off the edge of a huge hill AND, just to be funny I'm sure, cold wind blew my gloves off the ski lift leaving me with no protection. That was just mean.

Over time, we grew apart. Sun, warmth and beach have continued to be loyal friends - although this past year, I don't know what happened to beach - she must have been feeling kind of sick or something, cuz she didn't really come around at all. Meanwhile, snow, ice and cold wind have never apologized for being so nasty.

So that's when things got bad. I've really held a grudge and I'm just not even happy to see them roll into town every year. But what am I to do? They froze me and made my bones hurt. How can I call them friend? On the other hand, I preach not holding on to negativity. Should I let it go?

Now that I have kids, they, too, are enticed by the friendship of snow, ice and cold wind. I am worried. Are they going to make the same mistakes I made? Are they going to get "burned" by these fairweather friends? It's difficult being a parent and watching your children experience the good and bad of life, but I have to let them.

It seems that snow, ice and cold wind have matured. They are a little bit nicer to my kids. Or, is it that I'm not so dang sensitive anymore? I've supplied my kids with better armor than my parents gave me -- they have under armor, thinsulate, down and fleece -- all of those things that really help in a friendship like that. I think warmth, being the loyal friend she is, leaves a little of herself behind to protect them. Snaps to you, miss!

I did start going sledding again and I have to admit, with the use of good armor and the fragments left behind by warmth, I am enjoying myself. It's fun.

I watch people ski and snowboard and having fun hanging out with snow, ice and cold wind and I want to be out there, too. I want to try again, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid they'll pick on me - will they take me back in good faith? I'm willing to try.

So, here goes. Yes. I'm announcing it for all to see and read. I'm going to try again to embrace the good and bad that comes with being friends with snow, ice and cold wind. My kids want to learn to ski and snowboard and I'm going to take them. I'm going to ignore those tricksters when they try to bully me and hopefully they'll let up - maybe they're just trying to make me a stronger person?

I live in the Midwest - and winter visits for almost half a year - it's high time I suck it up and put some effort in.

The challenge is out there - and we'll see what happens on the chair lift, wind. I extend my gloved hand to you! Let's make our apologies and get back to having fun together!

Fasten your seatbelts! Keep your arms and legs in the car at all times. . .

I woke up this morning mad at my husband. That's nothing new -- I'm sure we've all felt that way about the men we share our lives with. . . but this time, he really hit me below the belt. He got me when my defenses were down and I could not fight back. He was yelling at me in my dreams. All night long, while I was trying for a lovely restful sleep, he was yammmering and yammering about this and that. What a jerk.

My friend, a psychologist, says there's a theory out there that YOU are everyone in YOUR dream. Figure out what part of you the people in your dream stand for. Am I yelling at myself?

Christmas is just around the corner and my husband and I have decided to take on some big projects. Why not? It's only THE busiest time of year. Why would we want to have finished up all we can do and then take a break - relax, enjoy the season, spend time with friends laughing and sharing memories. Why would we want to give ourselves that gift?

Not only have we decided to deep clean every room in the house - and yes, we are making some progress - but we've also decided to paint 3 rooms, the entry way and the hallway going up the stairs. Naturally, while painting, we need to paint the trim in all those rooms and places too. Aside from that, we should probably INSTALL some trim in some of those rooms, as our house is in a constant state of construction - you can relate GFD, on a larger scale, of course - and nothing is EVER finished. It's taking so long that when we finally do finish a room or a project, the old projects need a little "touching up" or, in my head - re-doing. It's a cycle. A cycle of madness!!!!!!

On top of these projects, and the basic bulldozer type cleaning that coincides with a family of 6, two of our kids are having surgery. One is fairly invasive and will take awhile to heal - bloody ear and all - and the other is not as invasive, however we just have to make sure that our son doesn't get hit or punched in the chest AT ALL for the next 6 months or his heart could burst. So, hey, that's no biggie, right? Just wrap him in bubble wrap and send the little 6 1/2 year old to school. There's nothing dangerous there. There's nothing risky about him roughing around with a bunch of other boys, right?????? OK, so he's not really like that, but I'm pretty sure that as soon as he's finished with surgery and as soon as he's supposed to just take it easy - play video games, do puzzles, play with legos, etc. (all of the activities he enjoys right now) he'll suddenly find an intense interest in hockey or football or cage fighting and will insist on playing it anywhere and everywhere he goes. This is guaranteed.

He is already at risk. If he gets hit in the eye, his eye could burst. He has all kinds of shunts and tubes in it so that he doesn't go blind, but those weaken the surface of the eye so if he DOES get smashed in the face with a soccer ball or, well, anything kind of hard, that's the end of that. And that's his GOOD eye. My boy's gonna dance the ballet and crochet his own costumes. Not that there's anything wrong with that. . .

So back to the insanity that is my household: We started tearing stuff off of bookshelves and out of closets. I even went into the crawlspace and dragged a bunch of crap out of there and am sorting it on the floor in the basement. Then, the surgeries started. Everything else stopped. With one down and another imminent (Monday) we have put our projects on hold so we can deal with the surgical stuff.

Did I mention we're having a family holiday open house on the 22nd of December? And I decided to build one - possibly two - build in bookshelves on my own? Naturally, I'd like to have them finished by the party.

OOOOh and because I'm having this party, I should decorate my house, put up a tree and bake some festive cookies, right?

So, the roller coaster of life has my car perched right on top of the biggest hill and we are paused. . .

By the way - what the hell does this mean? I love roller coasters and the very best part - the most exhilirating thing about them - is cascading down a HUGE hill - as if I am going to plummet through the earth and resurface in China. I also thoroughly enjoy the anticipation as we creep up that giant hill - slowly, shakily - and how then, at the top, there is yet another pause, another moment - just long enough to give you time to catch your breath and the gather the courage to put both arms in the air and SCREEAAAM! So, if life is a roller coaster - which is the bad part? The end of the ride? Sure, yeah, I'll agree with that. But I'm officially deeming the roller coaster metaphor/simile as inaccurate. At least in my life. I'll be using the twisted path with many forks (for my eye - and some to share) and tangled vines and open spaces and darkness and light, etc.

FYI.

I digress (as usual).

Let's wrap this sucker up. . .Everything is torn out, spread out, garbage here, storage boxes there, obstacles in every hallway and room and now we're on hold. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES????? We knew about these surgeries. We knew time would be tight before the holidays and all the gatherings and parties. As if that wasn't enough, my other daughter has just started physical therapy for a shoulder problem. She goes 3X a week - WHAT? How the hell am I gonna get her there and do everything else? To add to her situation, she fell backwards in PE yesterday and fractured her wrist. Just when I thought I'd be able to go buy those jeans I've been eye-balling for the last three weeks, she injures herself further -- no jeans for me. It's XRAYS for Christmas everybody!!! Maybe for Easter we'll get them framed.

We'll survive. The adrenaline is strong. I'm motivated. I'm actually energized by the excitement, the drama, whatever. I'm worried sick that my kids are going to be fragile forever, but life is fragile and taking risks is all part of the ballgame (yet another analogy/metaphor that I'll be dissecting at another time). They'll be fine. My house will be fine. Those jeans are gonna look damn cute on me whenever I finally get them.

I NEED SOME RETAIL THERAPY. . .

I have to comment on the whole can't do it alone concept as my closing statement. My family and I have been very lucky. We have a hugely supportive group of family and friends. We are always there for each other and I don't know how people survive without that kind of network. I'm incredibly thankful. To add to that, shall I say, LUCK?, I also have an amazingly generous and compassionate group of co-workers. Lots of people who have been through difficult situations - some very much more difficult than ours - and who understand how to make life just a little bit easier. They've been sending meals or gift cards for meals, to us, to help us out. I've never worked with a group of people who were so supportive in such a personal way and, at many times throughout the day, I think about how grateful we are for this generosity. As cynnicism and negativity continue to invade the world's minds, I feel encouraged by the gestures of people who are truly out to make a difference, one person, one event, one situation, one moment at a time. As teachers who spend their lives trying to improve the lives and minds of others, there is a never-ending amount of compassion and caring for the world around them. I can't say that I've ever been more comfortable and happy to be anywhere in my life.

Now, if I could just get my husband to stop yelling at me in my dreams. It isn't nice to yell at someone while they are trying to sleep. . . or wait, is it MY inner screamer/critic that I should be squelching?