How do you know when to throw in the towel? When do you quit something, and just stop? I am thinking of stopping something that has a rather long tradition and history to it because it is just doing more damage than good....or is it? Each year I have a decent sized party, it takes plenty of work to get it off the ground, from the food, the the alcohol, to the house getting cleaned,shoveled,people not showing up,getting the house decorated, invitations and what not....and then there is the post party...the clean up, the garbage, the mess. I hate the week before the party. I bust my ass. I LOVE the actual party, I love being with my friends, I love the laughter and the energy, and it is the one time a year I see some of these folks, I would miss that.
The other thing is that the party is a benefit and always has been. Some people have been coming from year one, and they know what to bring. But it has been getting slimmer and slimmer and by the end of the night I am wondering if this project is going to fly.
This is all thrown in during the week of two birthdays in our house and Christmas. What the FUCK was I thinking?
This year the post party has caused a bit of tension in our house. I wasn't the happiest about the effort expended preparty and expected some post help. I decided that if I had to do it all pre and post, the party was done for. The last few nights have not been pretty.
I think the party is done for.
I cannot do all of this anymore, work and raise two kids. I am busted tired. My eyes are melting now and it is 9:45p.m. I am wondering if I have been doing anything well, or has everything been crap because I am wandering around in a zombie state. I am going through the motions of a crazed woman. Or am I crazed?
There are many sad elements to ending the party. The friends, the tradition and the benefit. If the party ends, so does the benefit. Is it time? Should good things end while they are still good or wait until they just fall apart? Maybe that is a metaphor for these last few nights.
I don't know. I don't know who is reading this who was here last weekend, but I am going to need some serious convincing that it is worth the breakdown in my physical and mental health and marriage.
Can't I just send Christmas cards to my friends and buy a homeless dude a sandwich and call it a day?
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2 comments:
Damn! I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you - on this blog. Hopefully I was there at the time and in person!
I think that you are tackling something pretty big. It's something that you have to decide if it's worth it to do it all yourself. How important is it to you? What are you willing to do and be in order to make it work and is it something that, maybe doesn't need to end, but just change? Life is so full of change. Sometimes it takes us by surprise and it takes a long time to recover from it. Other times, we can decide it's TIME and then, plan for it. Sometimes, that kind of change is good for everyone.
I know how you feel - about wondering if you're doing anything well. I feel like that a lot. I feel like I'm on this treadmill with no off-switch. This past weekend I found it - for a short time - but it's back on again and it's going full force. It's hard to be authentic and genuine in life when you don't have time to think and plan and imagine and dream. Because it ends up that that's all those things are - in your head. I'm not saying that it causes one to be a fakey jerk, just that it's hard to fully invest in what you want in, and from, life. Instead of taking time to put at least one of those things into action and then have the time to reflect (or refrect) on it. It's hard to be really great at a ton of things -- it's better, I think, to be really good at a few things.
Like, you're a really great friend. You are generous and funny and creative and your mind goes a million miles an hour and sometimes I can keep up and sometimes I can't and you seem to be ok with that. You are great at your job - you're dedicated and caring. You're a great mom - you worry and snuggle and read and do what you can to make their lives as good and warm and loving as possible. And, well, I'm not married to you, so I'll leave that one alone :-)
I know you love the party, but maybe it could be something else now. Like still a party, but without stressing so much. I don't know how you would remove that, but I guess that's up to you.
This is from awhile ago, so I'm going to cut my response short. Hopefully you'll read this and, because time has passed, have a different perspective on everything.
Either way, I had a great time at your party and I'd love to join you next year, too!
Time heals all wounds. I will revisit and reevaluate next fall and maybe I will let down my need to be in control and find a way to ask for help. It is just a party and it seems trite to make a big deal, but when it drains you, it is hard.
Thanks for the encouragement, and I dont' want it to end...just evolve...like we do.
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